Yuffie Saves the WORLD!
by Flux
Summary: Yuffie in this story, is part of a super elite crimefighting force along with Cait Sith and Sephiroth, Osama Bin Laden was popular at the time, so I centered the story around him. I find the story to be quite clapper indeed. Mhhmyeas, indeed.
1. Default Chapter


    YUFFIE SAVES THE WORLD!
    ::OR::
    Final Fantasy VII: PART II!
    By Flux Capacitor
    Disclaimer: By reading this, you must know that I own ALL of the games in the Final
    Fantasy series, it's characters, and all of the copywrights to the afforementioned
    products. (Except for RedXIII, he's stupid.)
    "I created the Final Fantasy series on my own one dreary afternoon a few months back,
    when I had nothing better to do. I wonder if anyone will try to steal these ideas from
    me in the future?"
    _-Flux Capacitor ©1984-_
    -----------------------------------Prologue-------------------------------------------
    _After Yuffie, along with some other people, defeated Sephiroth and saved the
    world from meteor, everybody went off their separate ways..._
    Cloud went to go live with Aeris's dead-body, by jumping into the lake at the city of
    the Cetra, drowning himself. Tifa became a model for cream cheese, Barret became Mr. T
    and ran a daycare center, Cid got caught in an jet engine, he was sliced to bits, (But
    he got better afterwords) Then he was lit on fire when he fell asleep while smoking.
    (He's fine now.) Red XIII was caught by the pound, where they spayed and neutered him,
    repeatedly. Then he was crushed by a rock. And then kicked in the place where his
    genitals once were, by Regis Philban.
    Aeris came back to life (for no particular reason,) but in her anguish upon finding
    out what had happened to Cloud, she drowned herself in the same lake; at which time,
    Cloud came back to life. Cloud played it smart this time and waited for a little bit,
    whereas Aeris came back to life again. He and Aeris both moved in with Tifa, where they
    have wild parties every Saturday. Vincent incurred numerous firearm offenses from the
    police, and was forced to become a circus clown to pay off the fines.
    Yes indeed, everyone had gotten what they deserved... But there were three people I
    didn't mention yet...
    Cait Sith went to college, where he learned everything... He then traveled through
    space for a time with a group of Japanese astronauts, known as the Magical Disco Space
    Pioneers, but he didn't like disco. So he beat them all-up and steered the spaceship
    back home.
    Sephiroth was ressurrected numerous times after his defeat, trying his hand at a
    number of different approaches to destroying the world, (His least favorite, being his
    bet with the president, that if he were able to eat a THOUSAND sausages in one hour, he
    would gain posession of the world; so to destroy it.) However, each time, he was slain
    by a group of adventurers. (Even when he tried the sausage thing... they killed him on
    #998 for God's sake!) Sephiroth tired of this, and got a job as a Zamboni driver.
    Yuffie was awarded "The World's Cutest Kid" award. She got a subsidation from the
    government to live like a frivolous slob. (Simply by lying on her taxes, stating she had
    twelve children.) She moved into an apartment about the time Sephiroth and Cait Sith
    came by, asking to be roomies. She took them up on their offer, because they, like she,
    ROCKED HARD!
    But alas.... her true wish, was to get married to the author of this story. (I can't
    blame her.) But he wouldn't let her do this, because his heart belonged to the sea....
    That, and it would just give the author a reason to insert himself numerous times
    throughout the story. Such selfishness on the author's part would be INEXCUSABLE.
    ** --And I tell you now, NEVER EVER insert yourself in a fanfic... it is bad. Bad bad
    bad bad bad bad bad. Don't ever do it. Not-cool.--**
    About that time, Yuffie opened her door to meet her new next door neighbors... Fulx,
    Luxf, Ulfx, and Xulf. Quadruplet brothers. And her other neighbors... Fuxl, Lufx, Uxlf,
    Xful. Quadruplet sisters. They all became good friends, as they would be sure to show up
    frequenly in any given episode.
    But Yuffie thought for a while, that she may have wanted to become something other than
    a ninja in her lifetime... but nah. She **WAS** the cutest ninja around, and nobody
    could contest that. So she filed for "cute" with the IRS and was given more money than
    she knew what to do with. President... uhh... Flux-o... recognized her as a national
    hero, and deported RedXIII for selling fireworks on the street corner, and pretending to
    be a native american.
    And this all took approximately... 6 days.
    The zany adventures were just about to begin....
    


	2. Chapter 1: Enter the Osama


    YUFFIE SAVES THE WORLD! --Chapter 2--
    ::OR::
    "Enter the Osama"
    By Flux Capacitor
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "Once I was walking, and I saw a crow on a fence in front of me... I asked the crow, 'What
    are you doing there, brother crow?' to which, the crow casually replied, 'Caw!'
    'Hey! Moron! I was talking to that crow!' Protested my angry neighbor, Caw Smith. I
    promptly apologized, and left them both to return to their conversation."
     _Flux Capacitor, related account of July 7th, 1978_
    -----------------------------Pakistan: September 11th-----------------------------------
    "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Osama Bin Laden cheered as his head spun around in circles and he
    projectile vomitted on everything around him. "I have crushed the puny trade center towers,
    and killed thousands of people with my ingenious plan! And now nobody will be able to stop
    my reign of terror!"
    Osama's brain tingled in euphoric joy as he stroked his scraggly beard and danced around in
    glee. His genocide plan, a complete success, and he would easily escape the American
    military when they came for him in a few weeks, simply by letting his followers take the
    fall for him while he escaped on his magical rocketship to the moon.
    "Bakhlemakh!" He called out to his faithful manservant.
    "Yes Osama?" His manservant replied to him.
    "Fetch me my victory crap! I will feast tonight!"
    "Good heavens sir! It must be a grand day indeed!" Bakhlemakh said, startled,
    "You've been aging that poop since Saddam Hussein gave it to you six years ago!"
    "Indeed!" Osama replied. "Tonight is the night of celebration! Now hurry up with that shit!
    And call Ricky Martin while you're at it, I'm feeling... _lonely_."
    "Right away sir!" Bakhlemakh schlepped into the kitchen and began to prepare the royal
    meal.
    "MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Osama's vile laugh echoed through the halls of his..... tent.
    -------------------------Meanwhile, at the White House-----------------------------
    "Damn you, Osama!" The two headed dragon of military omnipotence, Colin Powell, growled as
    he slammed his fist against the desk of justice.
    "Sir! The casualties... There are so many...." One soldier panickedly related from a piece
    of paper in his hands. Tears began to well up in his eyes. "Why would anyone.... do such
    a..." The soldier's shield of soldierly masculinity broke down in a gush of sobbing.
    "That tears it!" Powell snapped. "We need Yuffie!" His hand quickly shot behind him to the
    wall, where a special red phone was resting.
    "....And may God have mercy on your soul, Bin-Laden." He rasped through terse breath as he
    lifted the phone and dialled.
    ---------------------------------Yuffie's apartment---------------------------------------
    "Sephiroth! Stop killing the pizza guys!" Yuffie scolded him. "Not even DOMINO's will
    deliver here anymore!"
    "Not my problem." Sephiroth answered. "Stop ordering pizzas when I'm in the middle of
    watching my soaps."
    "Can you two please stop arguing?" Cait interjected annoyedly. "I need to finish this
    popsicle-stick house or the world will explode!"
    Yuffie rolled her eyes at that statement.
    "Cait, your stupid moogle is bouncing up and down in front of the TV again." Sephiroth
    growled. "Make him stop."
    "Just be thankful he isn't humping your leg." Cait smirked.
    "Agh.. Now he's doing that too!" Sephiroth kicked at the bulky wad of stuffing as it
    vibrated against him.
    And as Cait and Sephiroth began to argue, the phone rang.
    "BRRING!" The phone said.
    "I know, Phonie. I wish they would shut up too." Yuffie rolled her eyes as she addressed
    the inanimate object.
    "BRRING BRRING!" the phone told her.
    "Yeah, now that you mention it, Steve Urkel isn't very funny." She said.
    "Yuffie..." Cait began. "That's the government-emergency phone... you might want to pick it up."
    Not waiting for Yuffie to catch on, Sephiroth picked up the phone.
    "Sephiroth here." he said all Sephiroth-cool and stuff.
    "Yes.. uh huh.... okay... Wait.... He did what?... God damn him..... Okay... bye."
    "What is it?" Yuffie asked.
    "That was George W. Bush. He says that Dick Cheney won't give him any money, so he can't go
    to Disneyland with me and the Olsen twins this weekend." He bitterly spat.
    "You like the Olsen Twins?" Cait laughed.
    "You're just jealous because of how hip they are." Sephiroth scowled.
    "BRRING!" The phone again started ringing.
    "LOL Phonie! You're so funny!" Yuffie giggled.
    Sephiroth looked at her in bewilderment for a moment, and then picked up the phone.
    "Sephiroth here."
    "Yes.. uh huh.... okay... Wait.... He did what?... God damn him..... Okay... bye."
    "Who was that?" Cait asked.
    "That was Colin Powell... He says that Osama Bin Laden bombed the world trade center, and
    now he wants us to kick his ass."
    "Well then, let's go!" Yuffie cheered, and they all magically flew to Pakistan.
    -----------------------------------Pakistan 10:40 AM------------------------------------
    "Run! It is the grey-haired monster of discontent!" the populous screamed as Sephiroth
    chased them around with his sword.
    "SEPHIROTH! Stop that!" Yuffie hit Sephiroth.
    "Heh heh." Cait laughed, "People here wear funny looking underwear on their heads!"
    "Those are called, 'turbans' Cait." Yuffie exlplained.
    "Turbans," Sephiroth snorted, "That's almost as good as 'Canada'."
    "CANADA! LOL!" Cait and Sephiroth began to ROFLMAO.
    "*Sigh*" Yuffie shook her head and walked over the a regular-sized tent that said, "Osama
    Bin Laden" on it.
    "Guys!" She yelled, "I found it!"
    But it was to no avail... Sephiroth and Cait were still completely ROFLMAO.
    "I guess I'm going to have to do this alone." She told herself, as she pushed open the flap
    of the tent and walked in.
    After walking past the fountain, swimming pool, buffet, movie theater and bowling ally,
    Yuffie asked, "This is a supposed to be a tent?!"
    ---
    "Ahh! Yuffie! I've been waiting for you!" Said an ominous voice. "And I shall destroy you
    for the glory of my wonderful master, Osama Bin Laden!"
    "?!" Said Yuffie, as from out of the fourth master bedroom in the tent, leapt Bakhlemakh.
    With teeth bared, and claws extended. Yuffie was caught off guard.
    "MEOW!" He roared as he slashed viciously at Yuffie...
    ---------------------------------------------------
    OH NO! WHAT SHALL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF "Yuffie Saves the WORLD!"???
    WAIT AND FIND OUT!
    


	3. This chapter is lame I wish I could have...

  
  


YUFFIE SAVES THE WORLD! --Chapter 3--  
  
::OR::  
  
"Continuity? Is that something you can eat?"  


By Flux Capacitor

Dedicated to the Quink of my Heart.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
"I told president Nixon that we should lessen our involvement in the Vietnam conflict, but he seemed preoccupied with his drugs and whores. Next thing I knew, I had been drafted, and I was stationed on the Nhi-Gong bridge. You wouldn't think the guy was capable of doing something like that to his own son... Then again, I bet I won't be listed as one of his offspring in the history books either.

It's amazing what kind of power the president can muster when he points his finger."

_Flux Capacitor, report to Time Magazine, February 10th, 1974_

  


  
---------------------Pakistan: September 11th.... still--------------------------------

  
"MEOW!" Roared Baklemakh, as he viciously slashed at Yuffie...

  
"You have GOT to be kidding me." Yuffie sighed as she shot her webs at the attacking Bakhlemakh, completely immobilizing him.

"ARGH! CURSE YOU SPIDERMAN!" Bakhlemakh spat.

"The name's Yuffie, jerk. And don't you forget it." She brushed the hair out of her face, dramatically, and removed a cigar the size of her forearm from her pocket and lit it up, stoically, as the American flag was brought up in the background. "Now where's your boss at?"

"You'll never get me to talk, American scum!" Bakhlemakh scowled as he struggled against his restraint.

"Oh yeah?" Yuffie's eyes narrowed deviously.

  
**--2.4 seconds later--**

  
"OKAY! I WILL TELL YOU! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP DOING THIS HORRIBLE THING TO ME!" the tortured Bakhlemakh screamed.

"Okay." Yuffie said, and she stopped.

"Okay," Bakhlemakh panted. "he's in the rec room, playing Street Fighter 3 EX Alpha TURBO edition!"

"Is that EX TURBO-gold edition? Or TURBO-platinum?" Yuffie asked.

"I believe it's TURBO-platinum." He replied.

  
Yuffie turned around, just in time to see Sephiroth and Cait Sith finished being ROFLMAO.

Yuffie addressed the pair, "Quick, you two! He's playing Street Fighter 3 EX Alpha TURBO-platinum edition! Let's go!"

"Is that EX Alpha TURBO-platinum edition vs. NFL, or Is that EX Alpha TURBO-platinum edition vs. Friends?" Cait asked.

Yuffie looked back to Bakhlemakh, and he shrugged. Sephiroth thought that playing video games was for dorks, so he wouldn't know...

  
"Hey! What's that?!?!?!" Cait Sith's moogle yelled.

  
  
  
**--UNEXPLANATORY SCENE CHANGE!--**

  
After the battalion of deadly robots, and the army of funny Iranian clowns had been defeated... The gang all finally reached Osama, sitting in his flying throne of fart-concealment. (BECAUSE OSAMA BIN LADEN FARTS A LOT.)

"So! You have finally found me, Yuffie!" Osama squealed in piggy rapture as he called forth his ancestral warrior-spirits from beyond the grave.

"He knows the secret art of Necro-Tendemancy! Be careful Yuffie!" Yuffie's long lost uncle Jim said. 

"Lemony-fresh synchronous attack!" Osama yelled, as the spirits all flew at the heroes.

"POWER JUMP!" Yuffie yelled as she then soared over the attacking spirits, and landed on Osama's head. She scored 300 points, and the villain exploded in a shower of sparks... ("ULTRA BONUS SCORE!" Cait said.)

"Shit!" Sephiroth cussed openly, "That was just the Osamabot!"

"Mua ha ha!" a voice echoed through the halls via intercom. "You cannot stop me, Yuffie-squad! In just TEN minutes, I will launch the pilot for my sitcom, in which seven men live together with one woman and her dog that has chronic diarrhea! The mild situational humor will overtake your puny american airwaves in days, and the franchise opportunities will be infinite! HAHAHA!"

"Wait wait wait..." Sephiroth objected, "Since when are we the 'Yuffie-Squad'? That's just lame. I thought we were the 'Sephiroth-Force'!"

"What?! You're joking!" Cait laughed. "We are the 'Sith Posse: Mark Seven' and I am to be addressed as "Sith Lord: Darth-C"!"

"Damnit!" Yuffie yelled, "You guys can argue about our name later! We need to stop Osama Bin Laden NOW!" Yuffie ran off into the maze of tent hallways that was Osama's lair.

  


  
  
  
"...How about 'The Mighty Mighty Sephiroth Tones'?" Sephiroth suggested to Cait.

"I still like 'Collective Sith' more." Cait said.

  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!

  



	4. Chapter 4: Infinite Enditude

  
**Yuffie Saves the WORLD!... Chapter 4: The Final Reckoning of Infinitude.**

-

"MUA HA HA HA YUFFIE! MUA HA HA HA!" Osama belched over the intercom.

"When I find you, Osama, I'm going to make you eat that intercom!" Yuffie scowled  
like a kitty cat, then she went "Meow meow meow!" Like a kitty cat too! Aww it  
was SOOOO CUUUUTE!

"Shut up, writer!" She yelled at me, because I made up that stuff about her acting  
like a kitty cat.

Yuffie bolted through tent separations like there was no tommorrow. Time was running  
out, she only had ten seconds left to find Osama and kill him!

"Yuffie, you'll never find me. I'm in a secret room!" Osama teased her.

"Secret room, eh?" Yuffie said to herself with a smirk.

She ran to the secret room and threw open the doors to find Osama Bin Laden standing  
in front of an impressive looking machine with a lone button on a control panel.  
This button was marked "FUK AMERICA"

"Oh no!" He shreiked "I'd better push the button on this doomsday device, I hope she  
doesn't throw her oversized throwing star at me and spear me through the head  
before I can push the but- BLOAGH!"

Following his implicit instructions, Yuffie speared him through the head with her  
giant throwing star, and he went "BLOAGH!" when she did so. He fell over and  
bled a lot, and his brains came out of his head and rats started to eat the  
brains, and then poop on his brains, but the poop was also his brains that they  
just ate and digested and it was really gross...

Sephiroth came walking through the door after this, then kneeling over Osama's  
corpse, and removing a CD that he was clutching in his cold dead hands...  
"This is a data CD... But the label says it has some Limp Bizkit songs on it, too,  
let's take it back to the lab and see if we can milk some more plot out of this  
silly story with the data on that CD, and I'm going to remix the Limp Bizkit  
songs so that every time Fred Durst sings, there will be a sound of me farting,  
instead of him singing. Then I will compile the song, and convert it into MP3,  
and distribute the song over a file-sharing network, and thousands of people will  
come into posession of this song, thinking that this is limp bizkit.

... And it will be the greatest joke in all of the universe." Sephiroth concluded,  
his eyes having glazed over with his own genius.

Then Cait Sith bounced into the room, "NO IT ISN'T! THIS IS! **BURRRRP!**"

Then sephiroth and Cait Sith were totally ROFLMAO again. Yuffie's face flattened,  
like an annoyed kitty cat's might. Then Yuffie began to clean her fur, and then  
she scratched her scratching post and curled up to take a nap in a cardboard box.  
But not before eating some whiskas and meowing a lot. Cuz she's a cute little  
kitty cat.

-

"HORAY! YUFI SAVED THE WERLD!" President George W. Bush said. "IMA GONA EAT ME SOME  
HAM NOW, THX 4 SAVING WORLD FOR ME" Then GWB flew off to his moonbase.

"Yuffie, did you get a chance to see what was on that data CD?" Colin Powell asked  
them. "Was it just 'Nookie' on that disk or was there 'My Way or the Highway'  
too? The reason I ask, is because my friend has a son who is incapably stupid,  
and he thinks Limp Bizkit is cool. I would like nothing more than to punch that  
child in the face and watch him cry, as I take his stupid red baseball cap and  
hit him with it, repeatedly... Wait, what was I talking about?"

"You were talking about giving us a million dollars." Cait told him.

"Oh yes, excellent. Here's a million dollars." Colin said as he gave the trio a  
million dollars.

-

- BACK AT THE YUFFIEFORT -

"Cait! You spent a million dollars on TANG!" Yuffie whined.

"NOyes." Cait said.

"We needed that money to pay the bills this month, and the power bill is going to be  
a million dollars!"

"Wha? How in the hell is that even possible?" Cait asked.

"...I bought six-hundred thousand hairdryers and plugged them all in and left them  
on for the whole month."

"WHY would you DO such a thing?" Cait questioned her.  
"It was an ACCIDENT!" Yuffie explained.

Just then, Sephriroth entered the room, and said, "Someone unplugged my computer and  
plugged a hair dryer in it's place. I'm going over to Melusine's house to use her  
computer."

Yuffie started, "Why don't you just unplug the-"

"MELUSINE'S house. Bye." Sephiroth stated roughly as he left through the door.

"Who's Melusine?" Cait asked Yuffie. She shrugged.

As it turns out, Melusine was their neighbor, who lived next door to their  
apartment, in a house. She was the voice of reason that all of the characters  
could turn to whenever they had disagreements. Usually her suggestions involved  
cutting babies in half, so they didn't go to her for advice very often.

Sephiroth walked through Melusine's door and closed it behind him. Melusine was  
sitting at her computer, playing the latest internet phenomenon flash movie, "All  
your zorp is belonging to zorp."

"Hey!" Sephiroth yelled, scaring the hell out of Melusine. "Wha! How did you get in!"

"I opened your door with this credit card that you lost when I stole it from you a  
week ago, just thought I should return it."

"Oh! My credit card! I was wondering where that went!" She jumped up and grabbed the  
card. She saw that Sephiroth had scratched her name off of it, and wrote his in  
place with a black sharpie.

"Oh, my cat did that... He's a bad kitty." Sephiroth said to his own defense. "Hey  
Melusine, can I use your porn-machine?"

"My wha?" she said, startled.

"Your machine, that you use to look at porn... I dunno what you Americans call it."

"Well, if you want to use my computer, go ahead, but don't look at any por- HEY!"  
Melusine swatted Sephiroth with her broom as he jumped on the computer and  
immediately logged into his favorite website, hitting me with that broom!" Sephiroth said annoyedly, "I'm TRYING to  
masturbate to pornography!"

Just then, Yuffie and Cait Sith bolted in through the door. "Sephiroth! The  
president just called! And he says France has declared war on a tree! We've been  
asked to stop the war before France is annihilated!"

"Augh." Sephiroth groaned. "FINE, I'll just have to masturbate to pornography later."

"T.M.I. Sephiroth." Yuffie said, rolling her eyes. "Too much information."

"I know what 'T.M.I.' means, damnit!" He spat as he knocked Yuffie and Cait Sith out  
of the way in leaving Melusine's house. "Wait you guys!" Melusine called  
after them all. "We can use my invisible jet to fly there!"

"Oh boy! I love invisible jets! They make you feel like you're really flying!" Cait said.

So the four of them loaded into Melusine's invisible jet, and flew to France.

When they got into France, they saw that everybody walked backwards and spoke from their buttoxes.

"Where is the War at?" Yuffie frantically asked the first person she could find.

"LE 'MARICANNE. EW, GO AWAE." The buttfaced frenchman said. So Yuffie kicked him in  
the face, and he farted. At which point, the tree unleashed it's nuclear arsenal,  
and the world was destroyed.

THE END!

There, I finished it. Bwhahaha. 


End file.
